


When I'm gone

by xDestinyIsCallingx



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending?, Hurt Hermann, M/M, Original Character(s), Sad Newton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-22 12:41:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7439791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xDestinyIsCallingx/pseuds/xDestinyIsCallingx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were supposed to be living it up after helping winning the war. They were supposed to be Rock stars. Heroes.<br/>Well, heroes don't always get the happy ending they ought to. Do they?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was Beta'd by the very gracious Flux--and--flow!  
> Hope you all like my first fan fiction about this pairing.

“Just give it time,” Hermann said.

Newton choked on a sob.

“We’ll both be fine -”

Newton shook his head.

“When I’m gone.”

“Don’t say that, p-please.”

Hermann swallowed thickly, trying to keep back his own breakdown. “Newton. Newton, look at me.”

Newton took a deep breath and met Hermann’s tired but earnest gaze. He let out a shaky breath. “What?” he whispered.

“I-I, ehm, well I... Newton, you know I’m not skilled when it comes to expressing how I feel and the fact that I’m saying it now is terrible timing...”

“Yeah... really bad timing, but I never made a move either, so... we both aren’t so hot on that subject.”

Hermann smiled fondly.

“No, I guess not.”

Silence prevailed for several minutes.

“This shouldn’t be happening,” Hermann closed his eyes as he sighed. “But it is and I’m sorry I couldn’t be stronger.”

Newton grew angry, not with Hermann, but with the unfairness of it all.

“Don’t be sorry, man! It’s not fair, we’re supposed to be living with the glory we earned, not this! Not you lying here, waiting to kick it, not me facing being alone after we actually... after we finally...”

Newton cried out in frustration and kicked the foot of the bed that Hermann was currently occupying. The kick jolted the bed hard, giving Hermann a shock.

“Newton!”

Newton froze. He quickly stepped to Hermann’s side and took his hand, his face crumpling.

“Sorry,” Newton barely finished the word before his voice failed him.

Hermann’s Adam's apple bobbed as he tried to combat his emotions. Seeing Newton like this was difficult for him.

“Newton, come now. We are men of science, we were aware of the consequences... but here we are, faced with them, and not prepared to accept them.”

Newton’s lip quirked slightly. “Yeah, it’s a bitch ain’t it.”

Hermann held Newton’s hand a little tighter. “Indeed.”

“Don’t go, Hermann.”

“Newton...”

“Please, please...what’ll I do when you go?”

“You have done very well for yourself before you met me. You will do the same after me.”

“I really hope I don’t.”

“What a ridiculous thing to say, Newton.”

“I don’t want things to be like they were before I met you! I hope it’s miserable, I hope I never get over you because - because after everything, you are one of the best people I’ve ever known and I-I lo-” Newton looked at his feet. Hermann’s eyes were about break their dams when Newton started to giggle slightly. “It’s damn hard to say, isn’t it?”

Hermann huffed as a tear escaped and slid over one of his sharp cheekbones.

“Newton, you managed to say all of that, which was basically saying it anyway, and yet you can’t say it in its simplest form?”

“Oh, I’m very sorry, why don’t you do it then, if it’s so easy? May I remind you, you have yet to say anything at all!”

“Who said I was going to?”

Newton smiled softly at their bickering. “I love you.”

Hermann’s brow crinkled and he nodded jerkily as those words hit him in the middle of his chest. Newton met Hermann’s eyes and nodded his understanding. Hermann’s breath shook.

“Newton,” his voice was unsteady and Newton’s name barely made it past his lips. “Newton, if these are to be my last moments, here with you, then I will bloody well make them count for something.”

Newton’s eyes widened. “Alright, then.”

Hermann met Newton’s eyes and sat up using all his energy. Newton gasped and reached for him.

“Hermann!”

“No, dammit! I can manage this at least!”

Hermann made it to kneeling position, even though his body protested. He faced Newton and gathered all his courage. Placing both hands on either side of Newton’s face, he leaned forward. Newton quickly got the memo and met him halfway.

“I love you,” Hermann said.

Newton, who had yet to open his eyes and whose mouth was still slightly puckered, made no attempt to move from his apparent stupor.

“Newton.”

Newton’s eyelashes fluttered as he opened his eyes, which were slightly brighter than before.

“Am I dreaming?”

Hermann smiled fondly as he still cradled Newton’s dazed face.

“I wish you were.”

“So do I. I’d like to wake up, haven fallen asleep at my station and hear you complain about something. Or maybe wake up in a world where we never met, then this wouldn’t be happening.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Newton. For all the hardships we have endured and those we’ve yet to face, I wouldn’t have changed anything. I certainly wouldn’t wish to have not met you.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re very welcome, Newton. Besides, I would never have had been considered a rock star without you.”

“True, never heard of a mathematician becoming a rock star on those merits alone.”

Hermann grunted in indignation.

“Maths is very rock and roll, I’ll have you know!”

“Oh yeah, hardcore,” Newton smiled and wound his arms around Hermann, pressing his face into Hermann’s neck. Hermann returned the embrace, letting Newton support his tired body. “Lie back down, Hermann. Can I...Can I lie with you?” Newton seemed nervous and cautious.

“I’d like that.”

Newton’s face broke out into a grin as he moved into position next to Hermann and laid one arm over Hermann’s abdomen, the other lying between him and Hermann’s bodies, Newt intertwining their fingers.

“Is this okay?”

“Very much so.”

“You tired?”

“I admit that I am feeling rather fatigued, but I don’t want to fall asleep just yet.”

“It’s okay. I’ll be here when you wake up, we still have, at least for now, tomorrow.”

Hermann sighed as he closed his eyes and his body relaxed.

“Yes, we still have tomorrow.”

Hermann’s voice trailed off and he turned his head and nuzzled Newton’s hair. Newton gripped Hermann just a little tighter, closing his eyes also, listening to Hermann’s breathing.

The two lay tangled together, having moved closer through the night. Dawn was breaking and the room was a cold grey as the early morning light filled it. Newton came round slowly, an ache in his arm from having been sandwiched between their bodies. He looked at the clock on the wall and wrinkled his nose at the early hour. He looked at Hermann’s sleeping face and paused, taking in Hermann’s face properly. Newton suddenly noticed how cold Hermann’s hand was in his and the lack of rise and fall of his chest. Newton scrabbled off the bed, grabbing Hermann’s shoulders.

“No...c’mon Hermann, please. Oh god, not yet.”

Newton didn’t even notice the tears falling from his eyes as he failed to comprehend what was happening.

“Hermann, no...”

Newton called for help, knowing that was probably too late.

“Help’s coming, okay? Just please Hermann, for god’s sake, don’t leave me!” Newton broke down into violent sobs as he draped himself over Hermann’s body. Help eventually arrived and even though they had managed to find a minuscule pulse, the looks of pity the paramedics were giving Newton made him fear that they wouldn’t even make it to the hospital.

Newton waited hours for news on Hermann, head in his hands, as he waited in the cold hospital corridor. He looked up when he heard doors opening. The doctor that had admitted Hermann when he came entered the waiting area, looking regretful. Newton felt fresh tears slide down his face.

 

1 month later

Newton stood, looking out at the ocean, hands deep in his coat pockets. His collar was up and the wind whipped around him. He breathed in the sea air, breath shuddering as he exhaled. His chest ached, a pain dull, yet sharp at the same time. As he strolled along the coast line his mind wandered. Not thinking of anything much really - his mind was almost always in a weird haze, now that Hermann was gone. It meant the connection they once shared was cut off. His throat closed up as his emotions flared and his chest panged. He missed Hermann more than he could say and he realized even though things worked out pretty bad, he had told Hermann how he felt and that at least he had no regrets on that marker, well, they could had at least had more than a night, he thought bitterly, but he tried to keep his anger at the unfairness of it all down.  
Newton had recently started a new job, nothing big or exciting, but a job that would preoccupy him enough while he got through things in his own time. Hermann would be surprised to hear that Newton was teaching and would probably make a snarky remark about how could he teach children since he was one himself. That thought made Newton smile a little. He made his way home to his apartment. It was a decent size and to be honest, a perfect mess - he tried to keep up appearances, but without Hermann’s nagging, he really didn’t have the motivation to bother. Moving a few things off the sofa to sit down, he noticed the mail that was sticking out of the mail box. He got up and pulled it from the flap. Flicking through the bills, throwing them across the room, he came to an envelope with his address handwritten on the front. He opened it to find a handwritten letter inside. Rare these days, he thought. Upon reading the first line he found that the letter was from Tendo, one of the first people to be there when Newton needed somebody. He swallowed, anxious to know what Tendo could want.

_Newton,_

_Your good friend, Tendo writing to you. I know what you're thinking, a written letter? Really? Well, deal with it. What I have to say will probably knock you for six and I thought it was more personal than a typed letter. Anyway, if you're not sitting down at this point, you should be._

Newton sat back down on the sofa as instructed and continued reading, gripping the letter.

_I know what happened with Hermann really hurt you. You’d been through a lot together and you were both given a real bad hand. I understand why you left. You couldn’t bear to see Hermann the way he was and nobody blames you for trying to recover and get back some semblance of normal. Hermann would've wanted that for you, I’m sure. But there has been a development that none of us were expecting and I don’t want you to get your hopes up too high, but Hermann’s condition has actually improved. We all thought he was gone for good and I know that his family, even though devastated, well even though they’re quite hard to read when it comes to their emotions, I think they were considering letting him go._

Newton stopped reading the letter and simply stared at the words. Hermann had improved? It had seemed so hopeless, could Hermann really come back to him? He read on.

_The last thing I want to do is give you false hope, and even though it is a small chance he will fully recover, it is a chance that wasn’t there before. Do what you will with this information but I hope that you will find hope where there was none._

_Sincerely, your friend, Tendo._

Newton stared down at the letter in his hands for several moments, then broke down into sobs. He didn’t know if he could take a replay of a month ago, but he knew he’d go to Hermann now if there was even the slightest chance.

 

Getting off the plane, Newton felt sick just thinking about laying eyes on Hermann again. He felt guilty as hell for leaving, but he was afraid and heartbroken, and being so near to a practically dead Hermann was killing him.

He’d called Tendo, who was waiting for him. Spotting Newton, Tendo met him and pulled him into a greeting hug.

“Hey, buddy. You came.”

Newton smiled.

“Yeah, I came.”

Tendo patted him on the back, giving him a reassuring smile.

“C’mon, let’s get you settled and then we can go to the hospital.”

Newton nodded and gripped his suitcase handle a little tighter.

Shutting the door to his hotel room finally gave him a moment to himself. He slid down the door and sat on the floor, hugging his knees to himself. Newton hadn’t seen himself back here ever, if he was honest and he felt guilty as hell for leaving Hermann, for running away because he was scared of losing Hermann, but he couldn’t live every day in such close proximity to a dying Hermann, waiting for the inevitable. Look at him now though, he was improving. By how much was unclear, but it was enough for his family to reconsider pulling the plug. Had Newton given up too easily on Hermann?

Newton thumped the back of his head on the door. Picking himself up, he freshened himself up before meeting up with Tendo at the hospital.

Tendo was waiting at the reception. He waved when he saw Newton.

“Hey, buddy. You ready?”

Newton rubbed the back of his neck.

“I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out.”

Tendo clasped his shoulder and smiled sympathetically. “Let’s go.”

Newton let out a breath and followed Tendo to Hermann’s room at the end of the corridor. Newton froze. It felt like the corridor stretched on and on, longer than it seemed. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to run to the room or in the opposite direction.

“Okay?” Tendo asked.

Newton snapped out of his daze.

“Uh, yeah. I’m fine.”

Newton’s feet felt heavy as he took one more step closer to Hermann’s room. Reaching the end of the corridor, he stood outside the door, his heart rate accelerated.

“You can do this. I’ll wait out here - give you a minute alone,” Tendo patted his back encouragingly and went to go get some coffee.

Newton watched him leave and took a deep breath. He reached out for the door handle and opened the door. He stepped into the room, keeping his eyes down. Closing the door behind him, he approached the bed with the prone form lying in it. Finally he raised his eyes. His chest constricted when his gaze fell upon Hermann. Even though he was still pale, Newton noticed that unlike the first time he’d had seen him like this, Hermann no longer had any breathing assistance. He was breathing on his own. Newton felt tears spring to his eyes as he took that information in. The beeping of the remaining machines were enough to push his tears over the edge to fall. Newton sat next to Hermann, taking his hand.

“I’m here, Hermann. I’m sorry I left and... I’m just sorry,” he clasped Hermann’s cold, bony hand between both of his. “I won’t not leave you again.”


	2. Chapter 2

Weeks passed with no change. He wasn't getting worse, but he wasn't getting better, either. 

Newton stood at the large window in Hermann's room. It was dark and the only light was the moonlight drowning the room and Newton in pale, white light. He looked out across the city. It was quiet - such a contrast to its busy self in the day. Turning away from the twinkling lights of the city, Newton looked over at Hermann. 

The moonlight bathed the whole room, stretching across, just reaching the very edge of Hermann's bed, Hermann himself shrouded in darkness. The luminous light gave Newton's eyes just enough to work with to work out Hermann's angular face. Newton stood by the window and hung his head; he sighed and put his hands in his pockets. Taking one more look out at the now peaceful city, he wondered what everyone else was dealing with right now, living with the aftermath.

Newton placed himself once again next to Hermann's bed. He'd been there diligently, keeping his unheard promise to never leave his side.

He sat, legs and arms heavy with fatigue.

"Hermann."

Newton looked up at Hermann's face not really expecting an answer, but still...

"I know neither of us are religious guys. I mean, I know I'm not. You giving that shtick about 'maths being the hand-writing of God?' Man, you sure are a pretentious guy."

Newton smiled fondly, remembering the little quote.

"Anyway, I know that for me, God never really played much of a part in my life. I always thought if he existed, why do so many bad things happen? I mean, not cool, dude. And after everything we did, why are we here?"

Newton let the silence hang for a moment.

"But, I guess, maybe if you believe in the afterlife, who's really the one who's got it rough? I mean, if heaven did exist, wouldn't the ones that were left behind be the unlucky ones? I'm not saying 'woo, death' or anything - I mean, some believe that this, right now, the time we have here on earth is a test. So, when we do finally get up to those pearly gates, we're judged by what we did or whatever."

Newton scrubbed at his face.

"Sorry. I'm babbling. I'm just so tired, but if it were real, we best have two tickets to paradise, man. 'Cause we have been through some shit and I think we deserve it. I'd like to go with you at the same time, though…this may be selfish of me, but if it's alright with you, I'd like to keep you here for a little while longer. And then, when we're both at a good old age - a bastard of an age, where people will say 'Christ! Will they just kick the bucket already!' I want to be like, extra when it comes to old age. I mean, you already got the personality down and the clothes and most of your tastes are quite outdated...oh my god, Hermann, you old man."

Newton chuckled to himself.

"Don't you want to at least see me be a totally cool, tattooed old guy? 'Cause you're gonna be fighting all the oldies off with that cane of yours, cause I think my prime for being desirable is going to be then, you'll see. I really want you to see."

Silence was his only response and the constant beeping of the machines.

Newton shook his head, placing it in his hands.

"Yeah, I know. 'Shut up, Newton.'"

"Quite."

Newton thought for a moment that he'd imagined the snarky response and therefore did not acknowledge it. The twitch of a hand and hitching of breath caught his attention though and the feeling like a light had been switched on in his mind. Newton's head snapped up to search the marginally illuminated figure for confirmation he wasn't losing it.  
Hermann's face was unmoving. Newton's racing heart felt like it was fighting its way out of his chest. His mind felt like opening dusty curtains in a dark, abandoned room, letting the light fill it up. Hermann's facial muscles finally moved into life, causing his forehead to crease, his mouth to frown and his eyelids to open.  
*

Hermann stared up at the ceiling for several moments, not speaking or acknowledging Newton, who was just as motionless. Maybe he was dreaming, he had been so tired...

"Terrible."

Newton snapped to attention.

"W-what?" He asked weakly. 

"You look terrible."

Newton blinked. Once. Twice.

"What?"

"Newton..."

"HOLY SHIT! HERMANN! OH CRAP! OH GOD! HANG ON!"

Newton ran from the room. Hermann watching him with wide eyes.

"Hey! Hello! Doctor!? Nurse!? Anyone!"

A surprised nurse who wasn't expecting so much commotion, peered over from behind the reception desk. "Yes?"

"Yeah, you'll do! He's awake! I mean...he's...awake...HOLY SHIT! HERMANN?"

Newton quickly rushed back to Hermann's room. He stopped dead at the door looking at Hermann's conscious self staring back at him. Alive.

"Oh shit," Newton said in a soft, broken voice. He covered his face with his hands, bending over but then standing back up abruptly, taking a long, quick breath through his nose.

"Newton." Hermann's voice was frail. Not having the words quite yet, Hermann lifted a shaking, bony hand. Reaching out for Newton.

Newton didn't need to be told twice. He was by Hermann's side, holding his pale hand in his.

"Is this happening? Are you real?"

Hermann raised an eyebrow. Oh, how he had missed that.

"Yeah, okay. It is. Thank God."

Hermann maintained his expression until his mouth quirked. Newton started to cry. Being as exhausted as he was and with the amount of relief that just hit him gave him no chance.

"You scared the shit out of me."

Hermann's face looked pained, but more so with emotion.

"I am sorry, Newton."

Newton shook his head, taking his glasses off to rub at his eyes.

"You came back. Ain't nothing to be sorry for. Ever."

The nurse finally bustled in with a doctor and two other nurses. "Dr. Gottlieb, just relax. We're going to check your vitals and make sure you're stable. Dr. Geiszler, if you could give us some room."

"No way, man! I'm not letting him out of my sight!"

Hermann's hand gripped ever so slightly tighter to Newton's. "I'd feel better if he were here."

Newton nodded once.

"Settled."

The doctor didn't look impressed but gave the go ahead for the nurses to carry on.  
*

Newton watched as the nurses flitted around Hermann. The doctor was going through Hermann's paperwork. Meanwhile, Newton's eyes never left Hermann. He was clearly uncomfortable and Newton really wanted to just say 'Okay, we done? Let's go!' and take Hermann home with him.

The nurses finished up and handed their data to the doctor. He compared the present findings with Hermann's previous condition data.

"By all accounts, Dr. Gottlieb, you seem to be a very lucky man. We'll be doing more tests, but the fact that you are even awake is a testament in of itself."

Amen, thought Newton.

"We'll leave you for now. I'll get about ordering your tests. Rest now, Doctor."

The doctor left with the nurses in tow. Newton collapsed into the chair next to Hermann.

Hermann watched with a wary eye. Newton jumped back up, making Hermann feel quite anxious.

"I should call Tendo! Let him know!" Newton gestured wildly towards Hermann.

"It can wait. Sit, Newton. You're putting me on edge."

Newton sat in his seat obediently, pulling it as close as possible to Hermann's side. "Sorry."

"Just calm down. I've been awake five minutes and all I've heard from you is loud profanity."

Newton blushed slightly.

"Hermann?"

"Yes?"

"Did you hear any of what I said to you before?"

Hermann sniffed and thought.

"I heard a little. Mainly the end where you shall be desired by the elders of our future and how I shall be beating them off."

Newton choked on a laugh at the unintended innuendo.

Hermann looked utterly bewildered.

"What?"

Newton wiped at his eyes and pulled himself together when a nurse walked in with a glass and a jug of water, smiling politely.

"Nothing. Oh man, Hermann. I love that you don't know what you just said."

Hermann looked confused, but let it go.

"I see you are at least the same as I left you. I am glad that you are alright."

Newton looked into Hermann's earnest face.

"Oh, Hermann. I haven't been 'alright' until the moment you woke up. I find that I don't particularly enjoy a life without you in it."

Hermann turned his face away from Newton's open expression.

"I regret that I couldn't be there for you."

"It's not like you had a choice. And anyway, I, for one, couldn't judge. I got scared when you went into critical condition. I got scared and ran. You were here, alone. I mean Tendo, your family and the others came, but...we drifted, man. We were partners and I bailed. That was shitty of me, you let me see you, really see you and I can't say how sorry I am. But also how awed and honored I am that you did that with me."

Newton's breathing came hard as he finished and his emotions bubbled up again.

"It's okay, Newton. It's all in the past now, just sit with me and when they come to do the tests, I want you to go and get some rest and for god's sake, make yourself look presentable."

Newton's mouth quirked.

"I've never worried about looking presentable before."

Hermann sniffed.

"Yes, well. At least take care of yourself for a little bit."

"You sure you'll be alright?"

"There's nothing you can do while they're performing the tests. You'll be in the way."

"Really sure?"

"I think I'll survive without you for a little while."

"I might not."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Alright."

"Good."

"Can I hold your hand?"

"Yes...I'd like that."

Newton clasped Hermann's left hand with his. Their eyes searched each other's, silently communicating their relief and shared affections.

"I love you." Newton's eyes were wet and shining, but they looked brighter and clearer than they had in weeks. Hermann searched Newton's face, gaze travelling over his tired  
features and his ever wilder hair, meeting his eyes once more.

"I feel quite the same."

Newton smiled.

"That's awesome, dude."

"Undoubtedly."

"Hermann?"

"Yes?"

"Can I kiss you?"

Hermann blushed. The most colour Newton had seen on the man for a long time.

"That would be...agreeable, Newton, yes."

"Agreeable, huh? Well, as long as it's 'agreeable.'"

"Oh, just bloody kiss me, Newton!"

"Whoa, don't get too excited. I know it's difficult, Hermann, but I am a man with virtue and..."

"Newton..." Hermann warned.

"Alright, alright. If I'd have known you wanted it this bad, I would have -"

Newton was cut off. As he neared Hermann's face, Hermann had leaned forward to close the distance and shut Newton up. Newton smiled into the kiss, making Hermann pull back slightly. Hermann took in Newton's smile and answered with one of his own.

"Dr. Gottlieb, I say."

"Don't ruin the moment, Geiszler."

"I wasn't, I'm truly flustered."

Nurses came in to prep Hermann for his tests.

"I guess I'll get out of your way. Hermann? If...I mean, when you get out of here...would you want to come and uh, that is, I'm just thinking ahead and um, well, you don't have anywhere at the present and you can totally say no. If you think it's like weird or whatever..."

"What is it, Newton?"

"Do you want to live with me? I mean, while you're recuperating, not like permanent or anything, like move in, and be like a couple or something, I mean like whaaaat."

"Yes."

"Huh?"

"Moving in with you would prove very beneficial to me. Thank you, Newton."

"Beneficial. Exactly what I was saying. Alright. Um, well I'll see you later...roomie."

"Dear God. Leave, Newton."

"Yep. I'm gone. Just one more thing, though."

"Heavens. What is it now?"

"I know this isn't going to be easy. On either of us. I know you're not just going to get up and be alright. But I want you to know that we are going to get through this and there's only one way to do that."

"And that is?"

"Together."

Hermann swallowed thickly.

"You would do that for me, or," Hermann looked downcast. "You'd do that with me?"

Newton smiled and shrugged.

"With everything that's happened between us, do I really have a choice?"

Newton winked at him and didn't break eye contact until Hermann couldn't see him anymore. Hermann sat back, a smile adorning his face.

"By Jove."


End file.
